Not Really Sure....

It's been two weeks since my grandmother passed away and I wasn't really sure how to get back into blogging. Not that I blogged so frequently beforehand, but I couldn't decide what would be an appropriate subject to blog about next. So I'll touch on a few subjects here....

I've only been to one other Jewish funeral before and it was my grandfathers. I don't remember much of it because it was nearly 20 years ago so I can't really compare the two. My parents, sister, wife, and I arrived at the funeral home around 10:30. We met up with my uncle and cousins who were there already. My parents and uncle worked out a few details with the rabbi and friends and family started arriving. We got there early so that we could place a few items in the casket with grandma. We gave pictures of our kids and a New York state quarter to the rabbi to put in the coffin. The ceremony took place around 11:00. It was relatively quick. The rabbi said a few words about grandma and let a couple of traditional prayers then we all headed out to our cars to head to the cemetery. The funeral ceremony was again relatively short and simple. A few prayers led by the rabbi and then folks were allowed to either throw a ceremonial flower or shovelful of dirt into the grave. Afterwards most of the people headed back to grandma's apartment for a little gathering. My parents had been out to her apartment in the preceding days to get it ready for the day and had put out a bunch of found treasures they had come across while cleaning out the apartment. There were dozens and dozens of old photos dating back generations. As much as it was a sad day, I think everyone enjoyed getting to go through the pictures and reminiscing about old times. One good thing to come from the day is that I exchanged email addresses with my cousin Mark who I hadn't seen in years (not counting grandma's 90th birthday party a month ago) and we agreed that we (including my other cousin - his brother - Warren) should keep in touch more often. Back when we were living in Brooklyn and he lived on Long Island we got to see each other quite often. We all lost touch many years ago and having grandma pass away made us realize that we shouldn't let physical distance keep family apart, especially now when technology (i.e. email, IM, etc..) makes it so much easier to stay in touch.

This past weekend I took Nicky, Thomas, Joey, and my sister to the Nets/Raptors game. This was Nicky's second game of the season and once again, the only thing he was concerned about watching were the Nets dancers. Thomas fell asleep a few minutes before halftime and Joey was just about out when Nicky stood up, put his hat and coat on, and said "Let's go home." Seeing as how we had 1.5 boys sleeping and the other didn't want to stay, we agreed it was best to go to my parents' house and watch the end of the game while the boys had their naps.

I've never mentioned this on my blog before, but I'm pretty sure the 4 people reading this will know about it anyway. For those who don't, you can email me and I'll fill in details if you want. My brother, Adam, has cut himself off from the family over the past year or so. It first with a situation between my dad and Adam and his girlfriend and then it mushroomed to the whole family. So Adam has had no contact with anyone except for our mother (and only because she has been the one to initiate contact) and our grandmother (my mom's mom who lives in Kansas - and again, only because grandma initiates contact). Our grandma Elsa who just passed, did not like what Adam was doing to the family and stayed away from the whole situation as best she could. She invited Adam and his fiance to her 90th birthday party. He declined the invitation - not because he had prior engagements, but because the rest of us would be there. He also showed up to the funeral but went straight home afterwards and did not go back to grandma's apartment with the rest of the people because we (his immediate family) were there. He also did not show up the my parents' house while they sat shiva the three days following the funeral. I've done a lot of thinking about the situation with Adam over the past year or so and it has torn at me a lot. He is my brother and always will be, but it hurts to not have a relationship with him any more. I could go through everything that was said and done last year and list reasons why things have deteriorated, but there really is only one major theme that sums it up for me and that was made very clear recently. It's his "me first" attitude, where he thinks everything should be about him. Grandma's 90th birthday bash was a huge success and was probably the happiest day of her life in the past few years. Every single relative who could physically be there made it to the party. The only one who didn't show was her nephew who lives in California. Grandma had a smile on her face that you couldn't wipe off the whole day. That day would have been almost perfect had Adam shown up. Watching a casket being buried was only a small part of the funeral/grieving process. The gathering at the apartment afterwards and sitting shiva is the most important part. Getting together with long lost relatives and family friends where you're not reminded about sadness by having to look at a wooden coffin, instead relaxing, looking at old photos, retelling of old and new stories - that is what it's all about. A petty quarrel mushrooming into what it had become can get fixed. Adam choose to put his interests in front of grandma's in both occasions and for that, he has a lot to make up for. It's one thing to take something out on us because of what he sees as him being wronged by us, but it's another to ruin something special for my grandmother (in both life and death) that really hurts.

That reminds me, I've got an email to write to my cousin...